28 July 2008

a note on hipster scarves and the douches that wear them

Dear Acquaintance that Constantly Refers to Me As Hipster Ditz And Can't Spell My Damn Name Right,

I'll clarify my complete anti-hipster status right now. I do not own anything from Urban Outfitters. I refuse to go to Williamsburg. I don't read French Novels in Internet Cafes. I don't even like Expresso. I do not own a keffiyeh, you could not pay me to own a keffiyeh, and whenever I see a keffiyeh in the summer I have the urge to use it to smother the stupid person who would wear it in 90 degree weather with moccasins. Not only because of the impracticality of it, but also because if I were to walk up to them and ask if they knew about the statement they were wearing (Palestinians and politics in summary) they would just give me a blank hipster stare and try to out-bitch me, which in the course of my 15 years has never happened and never will. (My secret weapon is run on sentences.)

I am also incredibly frugal and feel bad for spending more than $20 on any one article of clothing, which is why I only buy things from the clearance rack at f21 or con my friends into buying things for me. Real hipsters spend $300 on a shitty haircut that makes them look like they just rolled out of bed, and they spend hundreds of dollars at boutiques and Vintage-Inspired Stores to make them look like Don Charney wannabes. I spend hours, nay, days watching Anime (I love me some catboys and Vampires) and Japanese Dramas (yay Hana Yori Dango) so when people say I'm hipster I kind of want to bring them into a dark, cold room and introduce their face to a shovel.

What I am saying, is I probably have more in common with your local ABC (American Born Asian) or homeless person -- I hang out with the local homeless dude here, he's paralyzed and we talk about corrupt politicians -- than I do with hipsters. The hipsters we know of are overexposed, pale headband wearing AA toting cynics who's only objectives are to see who can appear more disinterested in Velvet Underground and online comic cum music blog references than the hipster next to them.

What I am saying, is that I am not hipster. And also, thank god I haven't seen a keffiyeh in months. If you own a keffiyeh and have worn it in the past month, please never speak to me again.


Not a Hipster / One Fashion Blogger Who Does Not Own Keffiyehs

P.S My run on sentences have more depth than you ever will.
P.P.S The dude is modeling proper keffiyeh technique. Learn from the master, bitches.
P.P.P.S I realize this post is late for the hipster keffiyeh thing, I still see them sometimes. Also, saying I am not a hipster is something a hipster would do, but only a hipster would bring that fact up.
P.P.P.P.S I'm not hipster.

Edit: dudes, dudes, chillax. I know some people who wear keffiyehs know the meaning behind them, some people who wear them aren't hipsters. If you didn't realize this was a joke, maybe I didn't make it obvious enough, and that's on me. We've all got our own definitions of hipsters and perceptions and we're entitled to them. Calling me an idiot for wasting your time isn't going to make me not get irritated at people mislabeling me or spelling my name wrong though. Anyway, im a sarcastic twat so this is supposed to be taken with a pinch of salt and an eye roll. Don't take it seriously, dudes. Your hair cuts / french novels are probably better than the ones I've had, hahaha.