25 September 2012

the undergrowth

I would be lying to you if I pretended to be perky or whatever, in reality I am in a formerly-terrible state, currently-not-good-state, but I am getting better, so I will be better soon. Mostly I spend my time working and watching Breaking Bad and sleeping, and staying up to the point of exhaustion so I'm not kept awake by my own duress. But I'm going to be fine. Some days are harder than others, you just have to fight through them and acknowledge you aren't okay and that you can't help not being okay, and acknowledge it can't last forever. Because it can't, because I've been here before, and I haven't been here for a long time, so hopefully when it's passed I won't be in it again for a long while. So I'm taking it one step at a time. This is what I'm occupying my time with. And then this. And then this. Every breath means I'm still here. So there's that.

Anyway, to distract myself in the long periods of time I spend on the computer for work, avoiding most of the internet (because I am quite certain I feel so terrible because of internet things) I went fake shopping. Not for anything in particular, really, just instinctual things that make me happy, or if not exactly happy, then comforted, because they remind me of home, because they remind me of familiar things, like the overstuffed clawed Victorian chair in my bedroom my mom reupholstered to a blue fabric similar to that Topshop dress (which is very similar to the more expensive Kenzo dress I adore, but will never be able to afford). And the gaudy oversized jewelry, reminiscent of my grandmother and also my mother's tacky costume jewelry that I can't help but love. I don't believe in guilty pleasures. It's alright if it's fake if it's sincere in its own way, an honest commitment to gauche. And the sequin jacket, well, sometimes you have to force yourself to overdress to sew yourself back together, to remind yourself you don't actually have to wear the same pajamas for 4 days in a row. It's kind of sartorial, therapeutic bootcamp. And nothing says "Damn you, you are going to be okay if I have to drag you out of bed myself" than sequins. And well, I just like wedges the best out of all possible shoes. So.

I hope you are well and safe and whole, and I will feel better, so please don't worry too much about me if you have been worried. I will be o.k, I know it.