03 May 2011

the pursuit


 I cannot understand the desire to be normal. Normal is the starting point. You go through things to make you who you are. Different. Something else. Normal means you did everything as expected, you didn’t take any chances, you did what was expected of you in the situation, you didn’t do something away from average, you shed away from the spectacular, the scary, the weird, the awesome, the frightening. why would you do that? why would you want to be average? Average is to conform. I mean literally, the definition of normal is conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHAT IS THE ALLURE OF BEING TYPICAL? I am terrified of the typical. I am in a constant race with myself to become different from what I once was, I go through stages of myself, I metamorphose into different caricatures of myself constantly to make sure i am never quite the same as i was before. If i change at least it means i have done something. Sometimes this fear of sameness paralyzes me and I sit in my bathtub with the water too hot and the lights turned off and pretend I am lava and I am melting everything away because then I am nature and I am an unstoppable change and everything is better and I can breathe. 




I relish the thrill of being afraid of my own self, like when I put on an outfit that I know is really strange and I know people will look at me funny or that time I chopped all my hair off and dyed it a thousand colors and everyone looked at me like I was too scary and stopped talking to me. I liked it because it meant I had become the idea of me that I had In my head. I don’t know if i can really explain, but, you know, when you look into the mirror and you see someone and it doesn’t match up to who you are really in your head? My life is a pursuit to figure out who that person in my head is, really. When I was little I think in my head I wanted to be like megan fox, only megan fox didn’t exist yet to me. but I wanted to be normal. And the fact that I didnt look like me, that in reality, in the mirror I was just a skinny as fuck chinese girl with a square face and bad acne... that fact felt unfair to me so I decided if I couldn’t become perfect then I would rebel against it and wreak revenge upon the mirror and the fact it betrayed me and thats what I did. I guess I escaped the mirror and I am glad I did but now i feel sad because i cannot relate to people who still want to be normal.
Normal is losing to me. I don’t want people to understand me, I think, because that means we are the same, and that means I am normal when i’d like not to be. 


Purity Ring- Lofticries from David Dean Burkhart on Vimeo.

I am in a really contemplative mood right now, just cleansing myself of the fear and negativity and resentment I've built up at school over the year. I think I'm ready for the summer and a big change -- I wonder what? -- and just having time to think and relax and stuff. Anyway, I hope everything is going well with you, and that you are happy. I'll talk to you soon. 

28 comments:

bobb said...

A well written and thoughtful post.

Claire said...

Thank you for writing a really honest blog post. I can totally identify with you and those feelings of fighting the fires of normality and, with that, anonymity.

Medusa said...

love this post tottally how i feel!!!! xxxx

cindy said...

i've always kind of stalked your blog and haven't left a comment until now. this post is brilliant. you're really an inspiring person, and it's awesome that you're a gem out of a crowd of some pretty boring fashion bloggers because of your sincere, unique perspective.

Lexi said...

Thank you for putting this -- the pursuit of being normal -- into words. I could never exactly articulate what it was that I was rebelling against, but this puts it perfectly. In my experience, I had several paths of 'normal' that I was pressured to follow (including a crazy conservative church stage when I wasn't allowed to wear pants for 2 years) and I eventually got sick of it and decided to do whatever the fuck I wanted.
Love your writing and honesty and you for being you.

rachel said...

This post kind of reminds me of the song "Muzzle" by the Smashing Pumpkins. I've always been seen as weird but this always came as a relief to me because everyone else always seemed so boring, so I can definitely relate. You articulated this really well.

Lydia said...

Beautifully said. Love the part about being in the tub and feeling like lava.

Isabela L. said...

Yes! Finally.(Applause, applause...)

Good Luck, Arabelle.

madelaine said...

To be normal is to settle for something easy rather than struggling to turn into someone better.
You are amazing.

Anonymous said...

You're great. I wish I knew you in real life!

Meg said...

I've been feeling that since I've been at university, I've found myself "conforming" in small ways. I'm definitely still the weird girl at school but I can feel it's not the same. During 12th grade, I didn't give a fuck; I did what I wanted and I liked having everyone at my school stare at me. I had no friends and I certainly wasn't there to make any so I could just do whatever and be whoever I wanted to and I liked the confused looks on people's faces. But university has kind of squashed my creativity and I'm hoping summer will give me a chance to bring myself back to myself (if that makes sense?! i don't think soooo0o0o0). thanks for posting this, it's definitely inspired some thoughts and I like where they're going

Sir Rabin said...

you are not your mind.

Kitchit said...

“We must overcome the notion that we must be regular...it robs you of the chance to be extraordinary and leads you to the mediocre.”

This post really resonates with me. My worst fear in life is to be mediocre, normal, average. Being different is one's finest attribute and we should exploit those differences to the best of our ability.

Elena es una lovecat said...

You are so inspiring. And this is such a great post. You've made me feel like changing, starting new projects and experiencing what I've never tried... thank you.

Anonymous said...

Arabelle? This really makes you my hero. I'm serious, I'm reading your blog for somewhat more than a month I guess, and well.. this almost made me cry. You describe mý feelings, that's what you were doing today. You made my day, and not only mine.

Lydia said...

I just read this over a second time, and felt the need to comment a second time, because I love this so much. Reading this makes being afraid of myself feel good, and helps me to embrace the non-normal side of myself. When I was younger I thrived on being weird, and as I've gotten older, I've felt less comfortable with who I am, and struggled to define what that really means. This post reminds me of what it felt like to truly embrace all that difference between me and others, and LOVE it.

Roma said...

I feal the same way about anti-normal. There are days were i dress for the reaction of my piers. that moment were they react helps me know my ideas are independent and it fuels me to dress more unusual each time. When i was younger i couldn't step outside of the mundane, this was scaring but helped me achieve independence. Thank you for writing such deep post, I wouldn't have thought of this if you didn't bring this up

Arabelle said...

Sir Rabin, what are we if not our minds?

Genevieve said...

I feel the same way. Some people aspire to be normal, and I can't understand that. The people I know who are "normal" or want to be normal are boring. It's more fun to be spontaneous and different and constantly changing than just one person the whole time.

Claire M. said...

Cute video, I love it :)

Claire M.

Anonymous said...

nobody wants to be normal.
everybody thinks he/she is someone special.
everybody trys to attract attention.
as u said: "and that means I am normal when i’d like not to be."
so I think, trying to be normal is more special than trying not to be.

hamish morrow said...

what is normal?

for me, it is a word defined and created by someone who had the power to semiologically denote and sculpt language for the masses.

normal, is it a word (?)

normal, is it an idea (?)

normal, it seems to rhyme with other words like formal...

for me, the more you say the word, the more alien it sounds.

-normal

-norm al

-nor m al

-nor mal

-n or ma l

-n ORM al

is anything ever thought of outside of this language that defines and shapes. WHO SHAPES YOURS OR MINES OR OUR LANGUAGE? WHO SHAPES OUR WORLDVIEW?


Is normal really just a foundation, a starting point, a beginnning with no End, or end with no beginning?

the visual jerbil said...

i think I've finally found someone who thinks, overthinks, and thinks again just like I do.

Angelica said...

The strange thing is that right now I'm feeling the opposite way. After finally "embracing my weirdness" for years and accepting the fact that I'm way different from most people I know (in real life anyway), now I'm like bored of myself and all the "alternative" kind of things that I like (like hardcore punk and fashion) and even though most people like me even though/because they think I'm weird, I'm kind of tired of always feeling out of place and vaguely like a loser, and I just wish I was normal for once just to have the experience of what that's like. (I mean actually normal, not just trying to act normal and not quite succeeding.) Like I've always felt like I'm on a different plane of femininity/life than most other girls, and sometimes I wish I could understand what it's like to think the way they do, if that makes any sense.

Anne said...

Well, I guess your feelings about this are pretty normal... That shouldn't be a reason to abandon them though!

Simona said...

Lovely, lovely, lovely post!

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Born for Joy said...

Beautiful.. thank you.