03 May 2011

the pursuit

 I cannot understand the desire to be normal. Normal is the starting point. You go through things to make you who you are. Different. Something else. Normal means you did everything as expected, you didn’t take any chances, you did what was expected of you in the situation, you didn’t do something away from average, you shed away from the spectacular, the scary, the weird, the awesome, the frightening. why would you do that? why would you want to be average? Average is to conform. I mean literally, the definition of normal is conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHAT IS THE ALLURE OF BEING TYPICAL? I am terrified of the typical. I am in a constant race with myself to become different from what I once was, I go through stages of myself, I metamorphose into different caricatures of myself constantly to make sure i am never quite the same as i was before. If i change at least it means i have done something. Sometimes this fear of sameness paralyzes me and I sit in my bathtub with the water too hot and the lights turned off and pretend I am lava and I am melting everything away because then I am nature and I am an unstoppable change and everything is better and I can breathe. 

I relish the thrill of being afraid of my own self, like when I put on an outfit that I know is really strange and I know people will look at me funny or that time I chopped all my hair off and dyed it a thousand colors and everyone looked at me like I was too scary and stopped talking to me. I liked it because it meant I had become the idea of me that I had In my head. I don’t know if i can really explain, but, you know, when you look into the mirror and you see someone and it doesn’t match up to who you are really in your head? My life is a pursuit to figure out who that person in my head is, really. When I was little I think in my head I wanted to be like megan fox, only megan fox didn’t exist yet to me. but I wanted to be normal. And the fact that I didnt look like me, that in reality, in the mirror I was just a skinny as fuck chinese girl with a square face and bad acne... that fact felt unfair to me so I decided if I couldn’t become perfect then I would rebel against it and wreak revenge upon the mirror and the fact it betrayed me and thats what I did. I guess I escaped the mirror and I am glad I did but now i feel sad because i cannot relate to people who still want to be normal.
Normal is losing to me. I don’t want people to understand me, I think, because that means we are the same, and that means I am normal when i’d like not to be. 

Purity Ring- Lofticries from David Dean Burkhart on Vimeo.

I am in a really contemplative mood right now, just cleansing myself of the fear and negativity and resentment I've built up at school over the year. I think I'm ready for the summer and a big change -- I wonder what? -- and just having time to think and relax and stuff. Anyway, I hope everything is going well with you, and that you are happy. I'll talk to you soon.