17 April 2013

on survival & anxiety & feminist film gaze & words to heal you, from me with love

Hmm. I do inspiration posts occasionally, but I think I'll do them more often now because they are a good place to center my thoughts that often get sidelined into tumblr text posts and forgotten about later. Plus, I don't really care to document what I wear on a routine basis, it's more about everything else to me now. By everything else, I mean what I do with my body, what content I create, not the image I produce. I don't know how long this will last, me being me, Narcissist Extraordinaire, but there are so many strange, terrible, horrible, and beautiful things in the world, that it seems like a waste of energy for me to obsess over my looks at the moment.  I want to think about the influences.

It's a matter of both closing my eyes to constant self-surveillance and taping them open so I can learn everything, because I have realized nothing will ever be enough. I am thinking also about the complexities of constant self surveillance when it comes to women and femininity (they are not the same things, women and the feminine, so this distinction is important). We insist on seeing ourselves and maintaining ourselves constantly like we are going to disappear. Some of us are going to disappear, and maybe that surveillance has something to do with it. I am having weird problems with vanity. I am not ashamed to be happy with myself as a whole, because I am working to improve myself constantly, but also, it is sometimes very exhausting to realize how much work I have done to myself, and how much work there is left to do.I get dysphoria looking at pictures of myself now, even recent ones, like, 2 week old ones. It's so rapid and it isn't stopping. Like I said, nothing will ever be enough. It's ok, though, it's actually quite beautiful.

Here are some things that matter to me at the moment, and things I've written recently that have kept me grounded. They are lists, because I am a Type 8 and keeping lists helps keep me motivated to get things done.

♠ ♠ ♠Things to Remind Yourself When People are Never-Ending Shitheads Who Seek to Destroy You ♠ ♠ ♠

Filed under XY Mar 1999 by XYmagazine

§ § 15 of My Favorite Feminist and Queer Films § §

1. Cleo from 5 to 7 2. Sympathy for Lady Vengeance 3. Ladies and Gentleman, the Fabulous Stains 4. Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
Picking these particular screencaps was pure coincidence but I think it speaks to the overarching theme of my perspective on feminist and queer cinema, and also my thoughts on self-surveillance and vanity and repulsion etc as a whole (things that make up feminist academia and feminist practice as a whole) . Feminism for me is about resistance and analysis but also empathy. Not charity, but empathy, and solidarity, because we can't speak for others and we have so much to learn from each other, and we are all so fucking complex. I will never know myself fully and you won't either, and it's important to question ourselves to further ourselves, you know? Critical analysis breeds complexity which breeds a way to understand how we can help each other.One of the reasons I enjoy my Lady Vengeance ladies so much because it becomes so clear they are being reactionary to what has been handed to them. In cinema, women are rarely afforded really complex hero positions, and when they are, their femininity is taken from them in some traumatic fashion, they are considered animals, sellouts, unhappy with themselves. It's a punishment for being different, you have to be punished in some way if you're going to be free.

 I admire all the women and people in these movies because they reject, and scream, and are very aware of the positions they have in society and are fighting against it and for themselves every step of the way. Again: vanity & resistance & vengeance & will & power & sisterhood & solidarity & refusal & freedom. When you watch any of these films, you are so aware that nothing is "natural" and being a person is such hard work, and you appreciate the shit you go through as a result. Pain, you see, can be pleasurable too, because at least you know you're feeling something. There's a truism for you. Now, we're almost done....

A Trio of Poems to Hit Home

Ok, I'm done. I suppose this gives us both lots to think about. I'm going to get back to reading. Hope you have a nice day. Much love.