02 January 2012

rest and you rest

I don't consider myself a particularly romantic person. I don't like to obsess over my past and how it was better than what I'm stuck in now. I think nostalgia can be a weakness sometimes. If you dwell on the past you aren't fully living in the present, you know? I've talked about this before I think, it's a recurring theme here whenever I get 'serious'. I've often been accused of being stuck in my own head too much, thinking about the future. The future is romantic to me, not the past. I've been restless lately, mostly because since I'm not at school I don't have a set schedule so I mostly sit around, play with makeup, read, watch movies (I'm doing a 365 film challenge right now), shop. Shopping and makeup has kind of consumed the part of my life normally reserved for fashion blogging, maybe 'cause it's so simple in comparison. I'm almost tired of it though. It can get exhausting wanting things so consistently, so frequently, all of the time, something new, something else. You shouldn't invest too much in material things but I do it. I don't know. It's an obsessive habit. I'm an obsessive person. I didn't get to (almost) 4 years of internet narcissism by being anything less than obsessive.

2011 was a good year for me. 2010 I had a shit college experience and bad luck in general, 2011 I found people I love and relate to, I now live in a safe space, surrounded by people I love and care for, and I had the opportunity to be part of some really cool things. 2012 looks to be a little scarier, because I'm finally growing up, dealing with real people problems, planning some big trips where I'll be by myself most of the time -- Taipei, LA, maybe London -- and it's scary but exciting. I can't stay a kid forever. I sometimes miss the naivete of being a child and not getting into arguments about racism or politics or whatever, but really, I don't regret growing up at all. The world is changing and so am I. I don't know into what, and I won't ever be done changing, but it's happening. I'm a little softer than I once was to people, because I realize they will not put up with my shit (nor should they). I cry more during movies. I cry less over people. I get things done faster, because I know two hours of hard work beats 3 days of 10 minute half assed work. I write more and do more and am understanding it's okay to be by myself all the time but I have friends that care about me and I need to treat them with as much love as they deserve and stop being a lazy fucker. There's this saying, "rest and you rust."

 I've rested long enough.